


Lacrimosa

by HandsOfGold



Category: Powerwolf (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-24 01:17:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20017891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandsOfGold/pseuds/HandsOfGold
Summary: Please.





	Lacrimosa

The dark staircase was endless, winding up at the tall building it nestled to side, well concealed in the darkness. No lamps whatsoever were lit around it, and if any had been there in first place he wouldn't have noticed them in the breathless hurry he was storming up the stairs in.

The sound of his footsteps on metal constantly accompanying him he held onto the frozen balustrade, careful not to slip on his way upwards. He was running, breathlessly stumbling up the stairs without granting himself a single halt. Whenever his feet slipped he would hold himself with his hands, despite the pain that the icy metal underneath his fingers inflicted on his body.

"Leave it! Are you too stupid to get that I never loved you anyways? Why would I bear with someone as bothersome as you are?"

Lacking a jacket he was freezing in spite of the physical activity. The shock that had grabbed his heart had filled him with adrenaline the rush of which still lasted in his blood. He was panting by the time he'd reached the top of the stairs.

At the same second he felt a resistance in front of him, almost throwing him back down the stairs. As he grabbed the shut gate against which his body had crashed he had to involuntarily stare back at the stairwell. His fingers cramped painfully as his stomach tightened and his breathing accelerated even further. He'd forgotten how long these stairs had been.

"Goddamnit, you're really too dumb to understand! It's over! Out and done!"

Shivering all over his body he stood on the tiny platform between the final stair and the gate; a platform that was about twice as wide as each stair had been. The only thing that stopped him from falling was the fragile grasp of his shoulders on the bars of the security gate which looked as though it had never been locked.

The stairs were like a strudel, blurring in front of his eyes and ruthlessly trying to pull him down. Far, far beneath him the restless city lights shone brightly, moving and standing, fluctuating every second. He tried to focus on a point down there, but the image blurred and the dizziness in his brain caused sickness.

Shutting his eyes tightly he finally managed to turn away from the abyss beneath him. The gate swung open silentl upon a careful move of his hand and he stood on the roof, shutting the gate behind him in case he would slip on its nearly frozen surface.

Despite his ragged, panicked breathing the figure standing at the other side of the roof, far closer to the edge than he was, did not seem to have noticed him. The cold wind reminded him of his insufficient clothing, and even the figure in its dark hoodie seemed to freeze, for it pulled the pullover closer around its chest.

He didn't dare make a step towards it, afraid to ultimately face its identity. Something within doubted that it was whom he thought it to be, but he suspected that this doubt came from denial and fear within him.

Yet the figure didn't look like his boyfriend (and he would eternally refuse to call him ex-boyfriend). Of course its body shape was hidden by the large sweater, of course its hair was hidden by the dark hood and its eyes were averted. Was it a trick of his imagination or did the figure look much too fragile to be... him?

He wanted to call out, but his tongue was frozen. The longer he beheld the silent figure, swaying only slightly in the darkness, the more the adrenaline in his blood faded and made way to agonising, paralysing fear.

\---

His feet were frozen on the spot, his brain so sunken in the perception of the city lights that it didn't manage to control the rest of his body. He felt a cold breeze on his otherwise numb skin that had grown insensitive to the cold already. His pain tolerance had become too high for the coldness to hurt him.

He buried his hands in the deep pockets of his hoodie, ignoring the chaos of things that were buried in there, no matter how much they burned or stung. It didn't matter anymore, now that he was here.

His feet made one step closer to the edge, enabling him to gaze over it now. He ought to have retreated at the instant, but the dazzling height didn't affect him in the slightest way other than lighting a faint spark in his bones that were so weak they might as well have fallen to ashes already.

He felt the coldness creeping through his skin, a sure sign that he was freezing more than he should ever have done. But what did it matter now, anyways? He'd cut it all. There was nothing holding him, was there?

The lights became brighter to his eyes as he stepped further forwards, leaning over the edge now. His insecure feet swayed hard, upper body almost managing to drag him over before he caught himself. He sucked the icy air into his lungs and stared thirty stories down towards the lights. Then he pushed one foot over the edge and-

"Stop!" came a breathless yell from the other side of the roof. Recoiling, he stumbled back onto safe ground, turning around to face a dark silhouette that he knew too well. A wave of desperation crashed down upon him, for a second burying him before it left him caught in its remainders, without breath nor power left.

"You're freezing," he spoke the first thing that came to his mind, calmly.

"I'm okay," the other said harshly before similar desperation could be heard in his voice. The wind carried the quiet words over to him, not without swallowing half of them.

"What are you doing?"

He smiled a sad smile while all he wanted was to scream.

"Please leave," was all he said.

"How am I supposed to leave?" Steps approached him. His heart was pumping all of a sudden.

"Leave!" he cried out, holding one hand towards the other.

"Didn't I make things all too clear?"

The other stopped. He realized how shaky his voice had been, and once more he was grateful to the darkness that embraced them both, hiding his expression and his tears so that he had a chance to fake hate and anger.

"You wouldn't be up here if you'd been serious," his lover said with his ever so calm voice, despite it trembling. With one sentence he managed to crumble all his resistance, to strip his intentions down to their very core. The little bit of adrenaline that had run through him when looking down was fading and it felt like coming off a high, leaving him drained and unbelievably tired from one second to the other.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" he asked, whispering instead of hissing, seemingly understood nevertheless.

"Whatever, it's none of your business anymore. I've said everything there's to say. If you don't accept it, I don't care." He waited for a second before he added: "I don't see why you shouldn't leave me alone."

"Because I know you." His lover sought his gaze which he denied. A little step forwards was immediately stopped by the slightest move backwards from his own side. He felt a cold shiver running through his body, he drowned in a stormy sea of things he couldn't name. All he wanted was to cry, but tears of anger couldn't be faked nor could other tears be mistaken for such.

"If you really knew me that well you wouldn't be here," he said, voice breaking as he turned his head away and towards the endless sky. There were few scattered stars shining through the clouds, overshadowed by the shine that came from the city lights. His legs felt so weak now that he believed they would give in, unable to carry him any longer they resembled his own mind.

"Please look at me." his lover begged and he heard the steps approaching again.

"Don't!" he shouted, retreating back to the very edge of the roof again. He wasn't looking down nor was he looking back.

"I'll do it. If you come closer I'll jump."

"You wouldn't do that," the other replied, panicking underneath.

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked back, attempting to put cold spite into his tone.

"Would you care at all? I hate you. You hate me."

"You know exactly this isn't true!" his lover cried out, now overtaken by anger, his eyes gleamed. He could feel the refusal stirring in his own chest. Saying these words while facing his lover immediately was more than painful, it felt as though his chest had been ripped open, bleach had been poured over his heart and scrubbed with an iron sponge. It was throbbing painfully.

"If it is," he could hear the other say, having regained some of his usual calmness, "I want you to face me. I want you to look me into the eye and tell me. Then I'll leave you."

Choking back a dry sob he lowered his head, putting one hand that was hidden in the long sleeve of his large sweater to his mouth. He couldn't face standing at this point anymore, knew he couldn't look the other in the eye. But somehow he needed to convince him of the lie he was telling, needed to make sure that he wouldn't break this one person whom he loved dearly. And so he gave a gesture, inviting the other to approach.

He stood frozen as the steps came closer. Shaking he waited to face his lover, preparing to put a stern look on his face even though he felt like breaking all his facades. His body was so cold that he could already physically feel the other's warmth at a distance.

As they were only centimetres apart he assumed a hopefully more secure position, entwining his hands behind his back. He held them so tight that it hurt, just to prevent them from touching his lover's. His gaze was so solemn and proud as he managed in this second. His lover stopped, insecure about touching him, and repeated his request.

"Look at me," he whispered. And he looked.

The moment his eyes met the beloved ones he felt hot tears shaping to run down his icy cheeks. The little light that came from the city didn't touch his face, as he stood with the back towards it, yet it cast a weak, warm shine onto his lover's cheeks and eyes. He could see the same tears there, and from all the pains he had experienced in his life, seeing his lover cry was the greatest.

Despite the tears veiling it the familiar shine of his eyes was still there, loving despite all the things he'd said and done to the other. He couldn't understand how anyone could behold anyone, especially him, with such deep care and admiration. This unconcealed love that had saved him so many times was now the thing to break his heart down.

He wasn't sobbing anymore. Silent, steaming tears streamed down his cheeks as he gave up his caution and threw himself in the arms of his lover who pressed him close to his chest, his soothingly beating heart, uttering words of care that he couldn't understand. He wrapped his arms around the other's torso, felt warm hands wiping away the tears on his cheeks as they cupped them gently.

He looked into the eyes that were now untouched by any light save the one they radiated on their own. Their lips desperately crashed against each other, lingering until he had to draw away to catch breath loudly; only to lock their mouths again the next second. For some perfect moments it seemed that they had melted into one and drowned out all the sorrows of the world, but as air flooded his brain again the tears came back stronger.

His face still in the hands of his lover he leaned his forehead against the other's, drawing in his scent and desiring to remain like this forever. But he knew that this bliss would never be granted to him. He had understood the deep love as a warning sign, as something to underline the necessity of what had to be done.

\---

The man he loved seemed to have almost vanished. The large sweater was concealing his ghostly, spindly shape was pressed against his chest as if it possessed no weight. Against his own will tears kept flowing from both their eyes. Everything that had bottled up was unloading now, and he searched his beloved's darkened eyes that the other sought to conceal.

"I love you so much," his boyfriend desperately whispered to him, clinging onto him with all his strength. He caressed his cheeks, gazing at him, breathing in his perticular scent that was weakly there beneath the smell of cigarette smoke.

"I'm here with you now," he muttered.

"It's okay. I love you. Nothing will happen anymore."

"I'm so sorry," the other whispered and his voice broke away as he started sobbing again. He put his icy hands onto the ones on his cheeks and gently put them down to hold them only for a moment before withdrawing from him, leaving a small object in his hand that he didn't pay attention to. His body was being shaken by his raw desperation.

"So sorry..." His voice was barely audible between the choked sobs and all the tears. He wanted to step towards him, hold him close again; he wanted answers but he also wanted the perfect little silence again. He wanted to show him the way he could care, understand, love.

"We'll have time for talking later..." he muttered, trying to ease the other's shaking and warm him in his embrace. But he was still crying, shaking his head.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over again, turning his eyes to the ground, away from his own.

"Shhhh," he tried to calm him, holding him as tight as he possibly could.

"I'm here now, remember? There's nothing to apologise for. You'll be safe."

"You don't understand!" choked his beloved, suddenly tearing away from his embrace. Ere he could react he'd stepped out of his reach, dangerously close to the edge once more. His eyes widened and while he wanted to run after him his body was frozen in fear of what might happen.

"I couldn't even begin to explain! But you, haven't you felt all of it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" he cried, reaching out to his beloved with one trembling hand.

"Please come back to me, please. I beg you! Give me a chance!" And as he received no reply but his beloved turning away and towards the abyss he began crying violently.

"You can't leave me alone up here! You wouldn't have lied to me, wouldn't have said those things..."

"...if I hadn't wanted to save you!" he was interrupted. For what seemed to be intended to be a final time the other man gazed at him. His eyes were as bent and broken as his body seemed to be. Unwillingly it stung in his heart what things he might have done to himself.

"Please." His beloved's voice had lost all its anger, leaving soft but eternal sadness.

"Please, for the love of everything that's dear to you. Leave it this once. Let me go. I'm not the kind of sick that you can fix."

"But I can't give you up," he whispered. He was freezing now, the final remainders of adrenaline having vanished from his blood. Slowly he went down to his knees.

"Please. I know why you wanted to make me hate you. You know that I love you, you know it too well. If you can't live for anything, live for me and I promise, I swear that I will give you so many things to live for."

He could see his beloved faltering. He was crying again now, or still, more violently again, he couldn't tell. The roof and the sky and everything around him was blurred, his whole being seemed focused on the man that was standing so close to him, yet out of his reach.

And then he could see the other drop to his knees. He was breaking, his tears and sobs no longer silent but united to agonized and desperate cries. He was almost curled up there, his body not being able to carry itself any longer, nor to assume any other stable position; trembling in pain and cold.

He stood up, no longer able to conceal his emotions, too, and walked over to his beloved to drag him away from the edge of the roof and out of the reign of the icy wind that was up there. Only then he took him in his arms, cradling him silently in his arms to warm him and shelter him. Both men were shaking and crying, but they did not bother to conceal it any longer.

\---

He didn't dare to think about anything, didn't dare to come to clear senses. He gave himself to the agony of the torment his mind had given him, allowed it to pour out of him like a pitch black stream; the heavy stream that had used to drown him and was now flowing away.

The weight and agony eased after a time he could not tell and made way for him to perceive something else: a warmth unfamiliar but so trusted. With all the strength he could bring up he curled himself into a ball to receive as much of this warmth as possible and only when he could hear foreign sobs he realized that it was him, that he was here, that he was holding onto his broken figure with all the love he could give and sheltering him from all the cold and pain.

For the first time in eternity there was warmth in his body that did not stem from unnatural sources. He was pained but his senses were clear; not numbed, not increased, and he was being held by this man who, as he now realized as he heard his cries, wouldn't be able to live without him as he wouldn't be able to live without him, and he was home.

He was home.


End file.
